On accomplishments, grief and a confession

Standing on the beach in Kona, it was such a tremendous feeling to watch Will accomplish something he was initially so nervous to try.  He’s never been the bravest kid around water and it took him a few days to get comfortable but he worked up the guts to try boogie boarding on our second or third day there.  I know he’d been thinking about it for quite some time and it took Rory trying it first to give it a go.

Watching your kid succeed at something that scares them it so amazing.  I highly recommend it to those of you who are contemplating kids – ha.  I felt like jumping up and down (I suspect I did) and telling all the grandparents on the beach to check out my kid.  I was certain they’d never seen a kid in Hawaii do it quite like mine had!

Granted, he got smashed by a wave a little while later and that turned him off of it for a while, but he went back in.  I’ll be the first to admit that I stood by watching like a mama lion trying not to go in and snatch him up.  Still, I was filled with pride.

Grief hits me at the weirdest time.  It’s like being on a roller coaster with my eyes closed: it’s up and down and I can’t see what’s coming around the corner, or even when we’ll go around that corner.  I’ll be fine one minute and the next, I’m knocked down by overwhelming sorrow.  Will caught his first wave and my first thought was, inevitably, that I wanted to tell my mum because I know she’d want to hear details and see pictures.  And for that split second, I reach for the phone before I remember that I can’t do that anymore.  It makes me sad, sometimes more than others but eventually the feeling dissipates and I move on.

I am beginning to think that perhaps I’ll always feel this way.  For eight years, my days and weeks were often dictated by how my mum was feeling.  Almost daily we’d touch base and when I didn’t hear from her, I’d get anxious that something wasn’t right.  I’d always breathe a sigh of relief when I’d get an email in the morning; even if she wasn’t feeling well, I knew she was thinking of us.  I still feel like a part of my day is missing because I don’t do that daily check-in.

As much as I enjoyed this family holiday, it was also very difficult for me because it was the first time I couldn’t share the milestones with her and it made me miss her all the more and that feeling of grief and sadness became a little more raw again.

I must confess: my personal cooking challenge has been a total failure.  I clearly wasn’t thinking straight when I thought I’d start this outside of the comfort of my own home and my under-6 test group.

In Kona, it was too easy to let other (much better) cooks take over and I wasn’t brave enough (or perhaps I was being lazy) to give it a go.

SO!  It kicks off tomorrow as it’s time to get re-acquainted with vegetables, un-acquainted with wine and chips and to toss out the Hallowe’en candy.  Round 2 begins before round 1 even got started…

Wish me luck and send me recipes.

I’ve got a few other challenges up my sleeve to keep me motivated through the dreary fall… so stay tuned.

Some of my favourite moments from the trip. Aloha!
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